Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Showdogs

ANGULATION - Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.

BALANCE - How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.

BITCH - A. Name for a lady dog.
B. Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

COAT - The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

DAM - A. A lady dog with children.
B. Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

ELBOW - Method of getting to ringside when late.

EXPRESSION - "Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER - Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FEATHERING - What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FRONT - Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

HEEL - A. You feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to eager novice.
B. Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HEIGHT - As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch.

HOCK - A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewellery such as wedding rings.

KENNEL - Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.

LITTER - Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

MASK - What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

MUZZLE - What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS - Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING - What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

POINTS - Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES - Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)