Humour » 'Show'

There was a time, there really was, when I was sweet and tender
When show dog meant a Disney star, and Bitch was not a gender.

I went to bed at half past ten, I went to church on Sunday,
On Saturday I baked the beans, and did the wash on Monday.

But then I got a certain pup, and an erstwhile friend said "Show",
And so I did, and so I did, oh what I didn't know!

Once I dressed with flair and style that was the life, don't knock it!
Now every dress from bed to ball, must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell like Nuit D'Amour, now I smell like Mr. Groom!

My furniture was haute decor; my pets, a tank of guppies,
Now I've furniture unstuffed, and well adjusted puppies.

I used to long for furs and jewels, and a figure classed as super.
But now the thing I long yearn for the most, is a nice new pooper scooper!

I was taught to be well-groomed, no matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do, is in the handler's tent.

While once I spoke in pristine prose, in dulcet tones and frail--
I now am using language that would turn a sailor pale!

I adored a man who murmured verse, through intimate little dinners --
But now the words I yearn to hear, are just three --"Best of Winners"

I rise at dawn and pack the car -- the road ahead's a long one.
The one I've routed on the maps invariably the wrong one.

I really love my doggy life, I wouldn't care to change it --
But when I get that Best in Show, I could maybe rearrange it!

And when my days on earth are done, I'll go with much nudging;
Just give me three weeks closing time and let me know who's judging.

Author - Beryl Allen